Typical

As usual when things tend to go bad in my life it tends to happen in a spectacular fashion and all at once. Mary Kate and I have gone our seperate ways. Things at work have been extraordinarily stressful this week, and just about everything that can go wrong has. So I am trying to take today to collect myself and just have a day for me, but the phones at the hotel break and that keeps me there for most of the day.

I am trying to figure out some things about myself. I see myself repeating this same cycle of destroying my relationships and I trace it all back to what happened with M in high school. I know that is the reason I can’t trust anyone and I know it’s the reason my relationships fail. Everything that’s happened all seems to hinge off of that one series of events and now I can’t get past it. It’s been too long. I want to be happy and I want to move forward and find someone but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to as long as that is floating over my head.

I just feel so angry. I feel like I’m grabbing at straws with so many things and I feel like the one thing that has been a consistent feeling that I’ve had… I feel like I can’t put any faith in that and if I do and it starts to work I mess it up because I have doubts. I can’t have faith or self esteem enough to really do this right. It’s hurting my work and it’s hurting my personal life and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being walked on and used and hurt.